raising_ruby

A lot can happen in five weeks. The days are at once insufferably long and extremely short - all in all, the time is going by so fast. Too fast.

Ruby is five-almost-six weeks old, and she changes every day. She's grown two inches. She wears 3 month-old clothes. Two weeks ago, she smiled for the first time. Over the weekend, she discovered her toys. Today, she grabbed her bib, which I put on her as an afterthought in case she spit up, and used it to wipe a booger I missed away from her face. It's probably just a fluke, but I was surprised.

This time has not been without its struggles. At the start, Ruby lost a lot of her birth weight (11 lbs, 6 oz) and though I'd intended to exclusively breastfeed her, we had to supplement with formula until she started to gain weight again. Breastfeeding can be troublesome, in terms of dealing with supply or lack thereof, varying nipple sizes, improper latching. We had to use a nipple shield for a while because she couldn't latch with mine. Things finally seemed to be going well so I weaned her from the nipple shield, putting her directly to the breast from then on.

We discovered yesterday that again, she isn't gaining weight but merely maintaining. We're back to supplementing with formula, which breaks my heart in so many ways. As a breastfeeding mom you know you want to do what is best for your baby, providing them nourishment as well as boosting their immune system and having an unmatched bonding experience. Being told you're probably not supplying enough milk or producing enough of the fatty hindmilk, despite feeding your child for eight or more hours per day - is shattering. Having to hand the baby over to your spouse for additional feeding after she's done at the breast? Heartbreaking. It's not that I don't appreciate that she's getting Daddy time, it's more that the formula gives her even more gas than the breastmilk does, she poops less frequently, and is generally cranky all the time. To top it off, she and I both have a cold. So much for boosting her immune system with my own. We go back to the doctor to see if she's gained enough weight tomorrow. Meanwhile, I'm supposed to be feeding her constantly (every time she signals anything, I assume she's hungry first), feeding ME constantly, and in addition to all of that, counting the wet and poopy diapers AND taking fenugreek capsules in an attempt to increase my milk supply.

I made some cupcakes with quinoa flour (these) because quinoa is also supposed to increase one's supply. Not sure if it has made a difference yet, I haven't had the chance to pump any milk today outside of feeding Ruby, so I can't say with certainty if it works. I've eaten four or five of them. They're not what I would call tasty by any stretch of the imagination - the quinoa flour makes them taste kind of nutty, if you can get past its earthy smell. I'm not one who really likes to mix nuts and chocolate but if I have a glass of milk to drink with a cupcake, I can generally put it away without too much issue.

I'm finishing off the chicken soup I made from scratch the other night and after that, I'll dig into the pint of spumoni I grabbed on a whim yesterday. Then it'll be time for Ruby to eat again, and we'll repeat the process. Change, feed, put back in bouncy chair, eat, repeat.

There's not much more to it than that.

Ruby made her debut to the world on July 30, 2011. I woke up around 2:30 in the morning with contractions that were two to five minutes apart, and by 4:00 we were at the hospital. We labored for eleven hours, pushed for two - and then we were informed that her head just wasn't descending and we could push for another hour, but that the delivering doctor strongly suggested a c-section.

I felt like a failure. Aside from serious anxiety about having a major surgery, I was completely exhausted and worried that there would be a complication. Prior to this moment, everything had been easy - albeit painful at times - and now I was going to be opened up? The most major surgery I'd had in the past was to remove an impacted wisdom tooth. These doctors were going to CUT ME OPEN.

I agreed, sadly, and then spent several minutes puking. I was wheeled into the operating room, strapped down to a table and given more drugs. A sheet was put up so I couldn't see the process. I didn't mind. Ryan held my left hand and told me I was and had been doing a good job.

I didn't feel pain as they pulled her out. The window in the sheet was opened so I could see her and instantly I was in love. I wasn't concerned about the c-section anymore. My husband was on my left side and my little girl was in front of me, eyes wide open and from what we could see, completely healthy. She was whisked away for weighing - wherein they determined she weight ELEVEN POUNDS, SIX OUNCES. Now I know why I felt so terrible during my last two months of pregnancy. I was carrying around a small human who was heavier than the ball I'd use if I were bowling. Everything made sense. Ryan stood with the nurses as they weighed her. She pooped all over the scale. Ryan says he responded, "That's my girl!" but I didn't hear it. She was placed next to me as the doctors began to close me up - but that's when things got painful. I had to be sedated because it felt like the doctors were kneading and squeezing my internal organs with no real reason.

When I woke up, we were back in the hospital room. Ruby had been given a bath but was hungry, so we were brought together to feed. She wouldn't latch right away so we had to supplement with formula. All I wanted to do was look at my little girl and cuddle her close.

We spent the next 24 hours in the hospital - I was very sore and uncomfortable, and Ruby just wanted to sleep. We slowly got into the habit of breastfeeding and infant care, and eventually I was able to walk the hall. We came home on August 1.

I knew immediately that I was compelled to write about the experience of raising my little girl. I never thought I'd be the type to get all schmoopy over an infant - even my own - but Ruby has changed everything. She is the one thing that matters anymore. I love her more than anything and want her close at all times.

So this is mostly a little place for me to write about these things - but maybe you'd like to read it too? Stay tuned.